Someone told me recently that it's perfectly all right for employers to not be required to pay for birth control in insurance plans because 1. women are still "free" to pay for it out of pocket and 2. everyone is capable of abstaining.
Can everyone really abstain?
1 in 4 women will be a victim of sexual assault at some time in her life. These women are not able to choose abstinence.
Many other people do not understand that they have a right to say "no."
Millions of people have had little to no sex education. People who have no understanding of consent or its importance are not truly able to choose to abstain or not abstain.
Even if none of those were true and everybody was completely capable of abstinence, abstinence is not always a healthy choice. Sexual repression has harmful consequences. Many people are very happy practicing Natural Family Planning, and I don't mean that condescendingly. I'm glad that people have a way to prevent pregnancy without hormones or the pollution of condoms and pill packaging. But it doesn't work for everyone, and it is wrong to present it as a universally positive option, a reason to make other forms of birth control unavailable for women.
Are we really free to pay out of pocket?
My birth control has no generic version. Out of pocket would cost me $40-$60 a month. I cannot afford that. I am not "free" to pay for it on my own any more than I am free to live in a McMansion or drive a Jaguar. It is egregiously ignorant of the plight of poor women to make flippant claims about just paying it for yourself.
That is all.
peace.
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Monday, May 28, 2012
The Concept of Rape Culture: Basics
Rape culture is a buzz-word thrown around a lot, especially in feminist circles (in my experience, anyway), but often without much discussion of what we mean when we use it. This will be a discussion of the basics of rape and rape culture, what we mean when we talk about this being a rape culture, and how to combat it. To begin, we have to have a working definition of rape. This will be more complicated than one might think.
Defining Rape
Violation of Bodily Autonomy
For the purpose of this discussion, I think we need to look at rape as essentially a violation of bodily autonomy. Bodily autonomy is the right of a human being to make choices, and have those choices respected by others, about one's own body. Not all violations of bodily autonomy are rape, but all rapes are a violation of bodily autonomy. We'll get back to how this applies to rape culture later.
I think it will also be helpful to differentiate between rape and traumatic sexual experiences. In my opinion, this is simply to call to attention the fact that many people do not understand the necessity for consent, the definition of rape or consent, and do not have the skills to communicate their way through a sexual encounter to ensure that rape does not happen. Essentially, while it is of the utmost importance for people to have their perception of a sexual experience as traumatic and/or wrong validated and accepted, it is not always easy to simply assign blame to the other partner. I will also discuss this more later.
What is consent?
Consent is obviously of vital importance in avoiding rape.
In case you haven't noticed yet, my discussion of rape and rape culture is aimed entirely at helping all people, male or female, avoid raping others. This is not an article on how to not get raped, because that argument gets us nowhere. Rape does not happen because a girl gets drunk at a party, walks down a dark alley at night, or wears "revealing" clothing. Rape happens because people do not understand what consent is, how to ask for it, how to give it, or even that they should make sure of it before participating in sexual activity. Rape happens because people don't respect other people's bodily autonomy. Put simply, rape happens because people often don't know that what they're doing is rape. So don't think this doesn't apply to you. It applies to everyone. This is an article on how not to rape. Rape is committed by all sorts of people in all sorts of circumstances, and that means it's about all of us.
I try really hard to avoid using dictionary definitions in my posts, but I think the problem in our culture is serious enough that plain, elementary-level definitions are necessary. Consent is defined as, "permission, approval, or agreement; compliance; acquiescence" ("Consent," Dictionary.com). In a sexual context, consent is when, "at the time of the act, there are actual words or physical conduct indicating freely given agreement to have sexual intercourse or sexual contact. Obtaining consent is an ongoing process of mutual communication as sex progresses, regardless of who initiates it" ("Sexual Consent," Sexualassault.wsu.edu).
What is a Rape Culture?
It is most important to note that when we talk about rape culture, we are not saying that most people in this culture think that rape is okay. We are saying that there are practices and values alive in this culture that 1. confuse a person's understanding of rape, 2. confuse a person's understanding of consent, 3. diminish the importance of consent, 4. diminish the general public's value for a person's (or certain types of people's) right to bodily autonomy, 5. discourage people from talking openly about anything to do with sex. All of this is to say that a rape culture is one in which the population, usually unknowingly, participates in behaviors and encourages cultural values that make avoiding rape more difficult as either a perpetrator or victim.
For instance, gender norms that say men always want sex make it difficult for people to establish consent. Often it will be assumed that a man consents, so no effort is made to get consent from a male partner. Similarly, the stereotype that women only give sex to get love and security from men make the idea of gaining consent seem unnecessary, because in this false paradigm, women never truly want sex, so true consent is never actually present. This is just a small sample of the gender norms (which are usually hetero-centric) that make people not seek consent.
It is also difficult to avoid rape when the culture teaches us that asking for consent will ruin the mood, that verbal consent is somehow unsexy, or when gender norms tell us that women should always "play hard to get," make men chase them, and never appear sexually aggressive.
Slut-shaming is an example of rape culture rhetoric. Essentially, it is an act of disrespect for a person's bodily autonomy. When we say that it is wrong for a woman to have sex with multiple partners, we are not only saying that she doesn't have a right to do what she wants with her body, but this kind of attitude also expresses cultural values that say women shouldn't have sex for fun; they should be looking for "the one," so they shouldn't be doing anything to jeopardize their chances at marriage, i.e. getting a reputation for sleeping around. All this focus on, and judgement of, number of partners draws attention from the question of consent, which, if you want to avoid rape, should be the #1 priority. Slut-shaming makes women into scapegoats, and distracts us from the importance of consent and bodily autonomy.
The prevalence of the discussion of, and complaints about, "friend-zoning" and women who are a "tease" or a "slut," is another example of rape culture rhetoric. The idea with friend-zoning is, when a female tells a male that she wants to be friends and not romantically involved, it's some kind of awful punishment (even if inadvertent) for being a "nice guy." This, again, shames women for making their own choices about when and with whom they will have sex, and even for setting the terms for the relationships in their lives. In the same way, calling a person a tease shames them for deciding that they will not go past a certain point with another person physically. This of course is an other example of disrespect for bodily autonomy. Let me be clear. Lying is wrong. Misleading people, using them to get something from them, messing with their feelings, that's all wrong. But the idea of "the tease" is largely myth, another boogie-man distracting us from the more important discussion of consent. No matter how far a person goes with you physically, even if they initiated it in the first place, they do not owe it to you to complete any sexual act. No matter how intimate your friendship gets with another person, they do not owe you a romantic relationship. Remember, "consent is an ongoing process of mutual communication as sex progresses, regardless of who initiates it." The myth of "the tease" is only a problem in a culture that doesn't value consent, because of course, if both parties are actively seeking and giving consent, there can be no problem of "leading someone on."
A large part of the problem with this culture is that people aren't having the right discussions about sex. We're talking about penis size and cup size and how many partners and "how can I tell if he's cheating?" instead of having the discussions that are necessary for preventing rape. This is rape culture. It's when sex education classes don't feature detailed discussions of consent, of how to have that kind of conversation with a partner. It's when magazines notorious for talking about sex would rather give you "1000 ways to make him climax" than call people out on the bullshit idea that they have a right to violate their partner's bodily autonomy or invade their privacy, and would rather teach you bogus pop psychology to manipulate your partner than tell you how to communicate openly and honestly, with words, in your relationship. This silence on the subject of rape and consent is the reason people have traumatic sexual experiences in which it is difficult to really place blame. Can someone be culpable when they truly believe that asking for consent outright is a bad thing to do? I'm not saying the answer is yes or no. I just want to highlight the fact that even the perpetrators of rape can be considered victims of a rape culture that stopped them from ever learning how to engage in sexual activity in a healthy and consensual way.
What You Can Do About It
Make consent a priority when you have sex. Don't know how? Read this for starters. Ask for consent, and not just once at the beginning. Show your partner that consent is important to you by making it clear when you consent.
Respect your partner's bodily autonomy. You do not have a right to your partner's body. Your partner does not owe you sex, kisses, hugs, high-fives, cuddles, groping, stroking, experimentation, or any other form of physical intimacy. No matter how many times you've had sex before, your partner always has a right to say, "no," to say, "stop" (even right in the middle of sex!), to say, "not that specific act."
It's not just about sex. This advice applies to all your interactions with other people.
Respect others' autonomy: If you want to comfort a friend, ask them if they want a hug before giving one. If your friend wants to go home early from your party, do not pressure them or do anything else to make them or convince them to stay. If a young child is "being shy," do not force them to give you hugs or sit in your lap, even if you and the child are generally close. If someone tells you that they don't like it when you do something, do not do it just to irritate them.
Do not tell people how to feel: Do not tell people to smile when they look upset. Do not tell people not to be sad when someone dies because "they're in a better place and you'll see them again." Do not tell people not to be angry about your joke that offended them because you "didn't mean it after all." Do not tell people "just be grateful" for this or that when something bad happens to them.
Do not tell people what to do: (For the record, the things I'm writing are just advice, not a command.) Do not give commands to others unless you're their employer, and even then, it should be a request. Do not tell people what to do in their romantic relationships. Do not tell people what they "need" to say to their rude family members. Do not presume that you know better than them what they need to do with their lives. You are not the one who has to live with the consequences of their actions, and you have no right to make choices for them.
Educate yourself. Learn about rape statistics so that you will understand how the stereotypes about what causes rape in our culture are not true. Learn about the psychology of trauma and sexual assault so that you can understand the consequences of rape for both the victim and perpetrator. Learn about human sexuality so that you can understand how healthy sexual relationships work. Learn effective communication so that seeking and giving consent is easier for you.
Call people out on instances of rape culture. When someone makes a comment that reinforces the gender norms or stereotypes or judgmental attitudes that contribute to rape culture, tell them that it's not okay and ask them to stop. When you see victim-blaming, slut-shaming, violations of bodily autonomy, and disregard for consent, speak up and offer facts.
The most insidious aspect of rape culture is that it is self-perpetuating by discouraging open dialogue about the real causes of rape. You can end the cycle by refusing to remain silent, refusing to remain ignorant.
peace.
Defining Rape
The definition of rape varies both in different parts of the world and at different times in history.[17] It is defined in many jurisdictions as sexual intercourse, or other forms of sexual penetration, of one person by another person without the consent of the victim.[17] The United Nations defines it as "sexual intercourse without valid consent,"[5][18] and the World Health Organization defined it in 2002 as "physically forced or otherwise coerced penetration – even if slight – of the vulva or anus, using a penis, other body parts or an object".[19]
In 2012, the FBI changed their definition from "The carnal knowledge of a female forcibly and against her will." to "The penetration, no matter how slight, of the vagina or anus with any body part or object, or oral penetration by a sex organ of another person, without the consent of the victim." for their annual Uniform Crime Reports. The definition, which had remained unchanged since 1927, was considered outdated and narrow. The updated definition includes any gender of victim and perpetrator, not just women being raped by men, recognizes that rape with an object can be as traumatic as penile/vaginal rape, includes instances in which the victim is unable to give consent because of temporary or permanent mental or physical incapacity, and recognizes that a victim can be incapacitated and thus unable to consent because of ingestion of drugs or alcohol. However, the definition does not change federal or state criminal codes or impact charging and prosecution on the federal, state or local level; it rather means that rape will be more accurately reported nationwide.[20][21]
Some countries such as Germany are now using more inclusive definitions which do not require penetration and the 1998 International Criminal Tribunal for Rwanda defines it as "a physical invasion of a sexual nature committed on a person under circumstances which are coercive".[17] In some jurisdictions, the term "rape" has been phased out of legal use in favor of terms such as "sexual assault" or "criminal sexual conduct".[22] Other countries or jurisdictions continue to define rape to cover only acts involving penile penetration of the vagina, treating all other types of non-consensual sexual activity as sexual assault. Scotland, for instance, requires that a rapist commit a sexual assault with a penis, so only males can legally be rapists. ("Rape," Wikipedia.org)I told you it was complicated.
Violation of Bodily Autonomy
For the purpose of this discussion, I think we need to look at rape as essentially a violation of bodily autonomy. Bodily autonomy is the right of a human being to make choices, and have those choices respected by others, about one's own body. Not all violations of bodily autonomy are rape, but all rapes are a violation of bodily autonomy. We'll get back to how this applies to rape culture later.
I think it will also be helpful to differentiate between rape and traumatic sexual experiences. In my opinion, this is simply to call to attention the fact that many people do not understand the necessity for consent, the definition of rape or consent, and do not have the skills to communicate their way through a sexual encounter to ensure that rape does not happen. Essentially, while it is of the utmost importance for people to have their perception of a sexual experience as traumatic and/or wrong validated and accepted, it is not always easy to simply assign blame to the other partner. I will also discuss this more later.
What is consent?
Consent is obviously of vital importance in avoiding rape.
In case you haven't noticed yet, my discussion of rape and rape culture is aimed entirely at helping all people, male or female, avoid raping others. This is not an article on how to not get raped, because that argument gets us nowhere. Rape does not happen because a girl gets drunk at a party, walks down a dark alley at night, or wears "revealing" clothing. Rape happens because people do not understand what consent is, how to ask for it, how to give it, or even that they should make sure of it before participating in sexual activity. Rape happens because people don't respect other people's bodily autonomy. Put simply, rape happens because people often don't know that what they're doing is rape. So don't think this doesn't apply to you. It applies to everyone. This is an article on how not to rape. Rape is committed by all sorts of people in all sorts of circumstances, and that means it's about all of us.
I try really hard to avoid using dictionary definitions in my posts, but I think the problem in our culture is serious enough that plain, elementary-level definitions are necessary. Consent is defined as, "permission, approval, or agreement; compliance; acquiescence" ("Consent," Dictionary.com). In a sexual context, consent is when, "at the time of the act, there are actual words or physical conduct indicating freely given agreement to have sexual intercourse or sexual contact. Obtaining consent is an ongoing process of mutual communication as sex progresses, regardless of who initiates it" ("Sexual Consent," Sexualassault.wsu.edu).
What is a Rape Culture?
Rape culture is a term or concept used to describe a culture in which rape and sexual violence are common and in which prevalent attitudes, norms, practices, and media normalize, excuse, tolerate, or even condone sexual violence. Examples of behaviors commonly associated with rape culture include victim blaming, sexual objectification, and trivializing rape. ("Rape Culture," Wikipedia.orgThis is a useful definition, but in this case, real world examples from the culture help us to flesh out a textbook definition.
It is most important to note that when we talk about rape culture, we are not saying that most people in this culture think that rape is okay. We are saying that there are practices and values alive in this culture that 1. confuse a person's understanding of rape, 2. confuse a person's understanding of consent, 3. diminish the importance of consent, 4. diminish the general public's value for a person's (or certain types of people's) right to bodily autonomy, 5. discourage people from talking openly about anything to do with sex. All of this is to say that a rape culture is one in which the population, usually unknowingly, participates in behaviors and encourages cultural values that make avoiding rape more difficult as either a perpetrator or victim.
For instance, gender norms that say men always want sex make it difficult for people to establish consent. Often it will be assumed that a man consents, so no effort is made to get consent from a male partner. Similarly, the stereotype that women only give sex to get love and security from men make the idea of gaining consent seem unnecessary, because in this false paradigm, women never truly want sex, so true consent is never actually present. This is just a small sample of the gender norms (which are usually hetero-centric) that make people not seek consent.
It is also difficult to avoid rape when the culture teaches us that asking for consent will ruin the mood, that verbal consent is somehow unsexy, or when gender norms tell us that women should always "play hard to get," make men chase them, and never appear sexually aggressive.
Slut-shaming is an example of rape culture rhetoric. Essentially, it is an act of disrespect for a person's bodily autonomy. When we say that it is wrong for a woman to have sex with multiple partners, we are not only saying that she doesn't have a right to do what she wants with her body, but this kind of attitude also expresses cultural values that say women shouldn't have sex for fun; they should be looking for "the one," so they shouldn't be doing anything to jeopardize their chances at marriage, i.e. getting a reputation for sleeping around. All this focus on, and judgement of, number of partners draws attention from the question of consent, which, if you want to avoid rape, should be the #1 priority. Slut-shaming makes women into scapegoats, and distracts us from the importance of consent and bodily autonomy.
The prevalence of the discussion of, and complaints about, "friend-zoning" and women who are a "tease" or a "slut," is another example of rape culture rhetoric. The idea with friend-zoning is, when a female tells a male that she wants to be friends and not romantically involved, it's some kind of awful punishment (even if inadvertent) for being a "nice guy." This, again, shames women for making their own choices about when and with whom they will have sex, and even for setting the terms for the relationships in their lives. In the same way, calling a person a tease shames them for deciding that they will not go past a certain point with another person physically. This of course is an other example of disrespect for bodily autonomy. Let me be clear. Lying is wrong. Misleading people, using them to get something from them, messing with their feelings, that's all wrong. But the idea of "the tease" is largely myth, another boogie-man distracting us from the more important discussion of consent. No matter how far a person goes with you physically, even if they initiated it in the first place, they do not owe it to you to complete any sexual act. No matter how intimate your friendship gets with another person, they do not owe you a romantic relationship. Remember, "consent is an ongoing process of mutual communication as sex progresses, regardless of who initiates it." The myth of "the tease" is only a problem in a culture that doesn't value consent, because of course, if both parties are actively seeking and giving consent, there can be no problem of "leading someone on."
A large part of the problem with this culture is that people aren't having the right discussions about sex. We're talking about penis size and cup size and how many partners and "how can I tell if he's cheating?" instead of having the discussions that are necessary for preventing rape. This is rape culture. It's when sex education classes don't feature detailed discussions of consent, of how to have that kind of conversation with a partner. It's when magazines notorious for talking about sex would rather give you "1000 ways to make him climax" than call people out on the bullshit idea that they have a right to violate their partner's bodily autonomy or invade their privacy, and would rather teach you bogus pop psychology to manipulate your partner than tell you how to communicate openly and honestly, with words, in your relationship. This silence on the subject of rape and consent is the reason people have traumatic sexual experiences in which it is difficult to really place blame. Can someone be culpable when they truly believe that asking for consent outright is a bad thing to do? I'm not saying the answer is yes or no. I just want to highlight the fact that even the perpetrators of rape can be considered victims of a rape culture that stopped them from ever learning how to engage in sexual activity in a healthy and consensual way.
What You Can Do About It
Make consent a priority when you have sex. Don't know how? Read this for starters. Ask for consent, and not just once at the beginning. Show your partner that consent is important to you by making it clear when you consent.
Respect your partner's bodily autonomy. You do not have a right to your partner's body. Your partner does not owe you sex, kisses, hugs, high-fives, cuddles, groping, stroking, experimentation, or any other form of physical intimacy. No matter how many times you've had sex before, your partner always has a right to say, "no," to say, "stop" (even right in the middle of sex!), to say, "not that specific act."
It's not just about sex. This advice applies to all your interactions with other people.
Respect others' autonomy: If you want to comfort a friend, ask them if they want a hug before giving one. If your friend wants to go home early from your party, do not pressure them or do anything else to make them or convince them to stay. If a young child is "being shy," do not force them to give you hugs or sit in your lap, even if you and the child are generally close. If someone tells you that they don't like it when you do something, do not do it just to irritate them.
Do not tell people how to feel: Do not tell people to smile when they look upset. Do not tell people not to be sad when someone dies because "they're in a better place and you'll see them again." Do not tell people not to be angry about your joke that offended them because you "didn't mean it after all." Do not tell people "just be grateful" for this or that when something bad happens to them.
Do not tell people what to do: (For the record, the things I'm writing are just advice, not a command.) Do not give commands to others unless you're their employer, and even then, it should be a request. Do not tell people what to do in their romantic relationships. Do not tell people what they "need" to say to their rude family members. Do not presume that you know better than them what they need to do with their lives. You are not the one who has to live with the consequences of their actions, and you have no right to make choices for them.
Educate yourself. Learn about rape statistics so that you will understand how the stereotypes about what causes rape in our culture are not true. Learn about the psychology of trauma and sexual assault so that you can understand the consequences of rape for both the victim and perpetrator. Learn about human sexuality so that you can understand how healthy sexual relationships work. Learn effective communication so that seeking and giving consent is easier for you.
Call people out on instances of rape culture. When someone makes a comment that reinforces the gender norms or stereotypes or judgmental attitudes that contribute to rape culture, tell them that it's not okay and ask them to stop. When you see victim-blaming, slut-shaming, violations of bodily autonomy, and disregard for consent, speak up and offer facts.
The most insidious aspect of rape culture is that it is self-perpetuating by discouraging open dialogue about the real causes of rape. You can end the cycle by refusing to remain silent, refusing to remain ignorant.
peace.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Letter to My 15 Year Old Self
Dear Me-from-the-Past,
The future is not as terrifying as you imagine it to be. For instance, college is actually not that different from high school, except that people actually talk to you, and there are people besides the teacher who think you're terribly smart and fun to be around. So college actually turns out to be the best time of your life (so far). Don't be afraid of doing things on your own. Your sisters' advice is going to be incredibly helpful, and you're going to get things done and not freak out. I mean, once you get through your first semester. That first one is going to be rather un-fun, but you'll make it through.
I also want to tell you that you are by no means ugly or fat. Once you leave the realm where people can only see you as the good girl and teacher's pet, people of the opposite sex are going to start talking to you, because they find you attractive. Your lack of romantic prowess right now has a lot more to do with the fact that you see things differently than most people, and the people you currently go to school with don't really know what to do with you. That's okay. You're not going to be in this tiny little town forever, you're going to meet people who are more like you, and you're going to have a chance at a much more active social life. Not that you'll go for it; that's not who you are. But people are going to like you, and boys are going to be attracted to you, and it will be fine, so stop worrying about it.
Right now you're dealing with a lot of guilt, because you think that you ought to behave better as a good Catholic. I just want to say that you already know that the church doesn't have it all together. Look at your brother. Look at your aunts. Look at the people who go to your church every Sunday without fail. You're learning a lot about Catholicism, because you're curious like that. Please try to be open to opinions about history and scripture and morality that don't match up with what you've been taught. You're rather self-righteous, to be quite honest, and it's alienating people who would probably otherwise make great friends. Don't take it for granted that the church is always right. Remember that it's run by human beings, not God. Remember that all those scriptures and encyclicals and authoritative documents were written by human beings, not God.
On a related note, you absolutely have to stop punishing yourself for the things you think are sinful. I probably won't be able to convince you now that those things aren't really sinful at all, but you really must stop hurting yourself and hating yourself for the things that are out of your control. You think you can control it, but you can't. Just know that it won't always be like this, and you'll regret the self-loathing and self-harm a lot more than you will the "sins" in the future. So just stop.
While your mom and dad are wonderful, loving parents, they are not all-powerful, nor are they the perfect parents. Their parenting methods are flawed, just like most other people's, and you're going to discover a philosophy of your own someday that contradicts a lot of what your mom and dad chose to do as parents. It doesn't have to destroy your love and admiration for them, especially if you begin to understand their flaws now.
Learn to communicate. Please. Learn how to put the relationship before "winning." Learn how to put the greater good before revenge. Learn how to see root problems rather than superficial symptoms. Respect others. Understand what they're going through. Don't allow people to use or abuse you. You have a right to set boundaries in every relationship.
Most importantly, respect yourself. Don't put yourself last. Love yourself, every bit of yourself.
Love,
You-from-the-Future
peace.
The future is not as terrifying as you imagine it to be. For instance, college is actually not that different from high school, except that people actually talk to you, and there are people besides the teacher who think you're terribly smart and fun to be around. So college actually turns out to be the best time of your life (so far). Don't be afraid of doing things on your own. Your sisters' advice is going to be incredibly helpful, and you're going to get things done and not freak out. I mean, once you get through your first semester. That first one is going to be rather un-fun, but you'll make it through.
I also want to tell you that you are by no means ugly or fat. Once you leave the realm where people can only see you as the good girl and teacher's pet, people of the opposite sex are going to start talking to you, because they find you attractive. Your lack of romantic prowess right now has a lot more to do with the fact that you see things differently than most people, and the people you currently go to school with don't really know what to do with you. That's okay. You're not going to be in this tiny little town forever, you're going to meet people who are more like you, and you're going to have a chance at a much more active social life. Not that you'll go for it; that's not who you are. But people are going to like you, and boys are going to be attracted to you, and it will be fine, so stop worrying about it.
Right now you're dealing with a lot of guilt, because you think that you ought to behave better as a good Catholic. I just want to say that you already know that the church doesn't have it all together. Look at your brother. Look at your aunts. Look at the people who go to your church every Sunday without fail. You're learning a lot about Catholicism, because you're curious like that. Please try to be open to opinions about history and scripture and morality that don't match up with what you've been taught. You're rather self-righteous, to be quite honest, and it's alienating people who would probably otherwise make great friends. Don't take it for granted that the church is always right. Remember that it's run by human beings, not God. Remember that all those scriptures and encyclicals and authoritative documents were written by human beings, not God.
On a related note, you absolutely have to stop punishing yourself for the things you think are sinful. I probably won't be able to convince you now that those things aren't really sinful at all, but you really must stop hurting yourself and hating yourself for the things that are out of your control. You think you can control it, but you can't. Just know that it won't always be like this, and you'll regret the self-loathing and self-harm a lot more than you will the "sins" in the future. So just stop.
While your mom and dad are wonderful, loving parents, they are not all-powerful, nor are they the perfect parents. Their parenting methods are flawed, just like most other people's, and you're going to discover a philosophy of your own someday that contradicts a lot of what your mom and dad chose to do as parents. It doesn't have to destroy your love and admiration for them, especially if you begin to understand their flaws now.
Learn to communicate. Please. Learn how to put the relationship before "winning." Learn how to put the greater good before revenge. Learn how to see root problems rather than superficial symptoms. Respect others. Understand what they're going through. Don't allow people to use or abuse you. You have a right to set boundaries in every relationship.
Most importantly, respect yourself. Don't put yourself last. Love yourself, every bit of yourself.
Love,
You-from-the-Future
peace.
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Rape Culture on Grey's Anatomy
[Spoiler Warning: If you have not seen the 4-12 episode, read at your own risk.]
Last week's episode of Grey's Anatomy featured a run down of what happened when Owen "cheated" on Cristina, which really disturbed me. From what I saw of the flashbacks:
1. Owen was drunk, 2. The woman was pressuring him, even though 3. He made it clear that he wanted her to stop demanding that he kiss her.
It wasn't clear whether or not the woman was drunk too, or not as drunk as Owen was, which is an important piece of information that I wish I had. So, if we presume that she was not drunk, then by any legal definition, Owen's consent for sexual activity was questionable at best. But this whole episode Cristina is tormenting him, and he torments himself, with the idea that he has betrayed her on a monumental scale.
If we presume that the woman was drunk too, then we can look at them being in the same situation. It is no longer a matter of who victimized whom. If one or both of them feels traumatized by the event (which can be argued in Owen's case at least), then it would be appropriate for them to get some sort of treatment to improve their emotional well-being, but not for either of them to be prosecuted.
But no. The show didn't even present the possibility that either of them would be traumatized by non-consensual sex. Owen is presented, and he sees himself, as nothing but a cheater. What is the deal here? Is it because he's big and strong, that we presume that if he didn't really want it, he could have fought her off? Are we supposed to believe that alcohol doesn't impair a man's judgment?
And what argument is there to be made for Owen to actually be culpable in this situation? What, "he should have fought" or "he shouldn't have been in that bar, he shouldn't have put himself in that situation in the first place"? If you said those things to a woman who, while drunk, had had sex with a man who wasn't drunk, you'd be skinned alive. And such arguments should be met with firm and clear disagreement, because they are nothing but victim-blaming and rape apologetics.
Because Owen shouldn't have had to say "no" or fight her off or not spend time drinking with a woman. Consent should always be deliberately sought and clearly stated. It should not be a matter of going as far as you can until the other person says stop. Every level of sexual activity should be preceded by seeking and receiving clear consent. Period.
peace.
Last week's episode of Grey's Anatomy featured a run down of what happened when Owen "cheated" on Cristina, which really disturbed me. From what I saw of the flashbacks:
1. Owen was drunk, 2. The woman was pressuring him, even though 3. He made it clear that he wanted her to stop demanding that he kiss her.
It wasn't clear whether or not the woman was drunk too, or not as drunk as Owen was, which is an important piece of information that I wish I had. So, if we presume that she was not drunk, then by any legal definition, Owen's consent for sexual activity was questionable at best. But this whole episode Cristina is tormenting him, and he torments himself, with the idea that he has betrayed her on a monumental scale.
If we presume that the woman was drunk too, then we can look at them being in the same situation. It is no longer a matter of who victimized whom. If one or both of them feels traumatized by the event (which can be argued in Owen's case at least), then it would be appropriate for them to get some sort of treatment to improve their emotional well-being, but not for either of them to be prosecuted.
But no. The show didn't even present the possibility that either of them would be traumatized by non-consensual sex. Owen is presented, and he sees himself, as nothing but a cheater. What is the deal here? Is it because he's big and strong, that we presume that if he didn't really want it, he could have fought her off? Are we supposed to believe that alcohol doesn't impair a man's judgment?
And what argument is there to be made for Owen to actually be culpable in this situation? What, "he should have fought" or "he shouldn't have been in that bar, he shouldn't have put himself in that situation in the first place"? If you said those things to a woman who, while drunk, had had sex with a man who wasn't drunk, you'd be skinned alive. And such arguments should be met with firm and clear disagreement, because they are nothing but victim-blaming and rape apologetics.
Because Owen shouldn't have had to say "no" or fight her off or not spend time drinking with a woman. Consent should always be deliberately sought and clearly stated. It should not be a matter of going as far as you can until the other person says stop. Every level of sexual activity should be preceded by seeking and receiving clear consent. Period.
peace.
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